Co-Dependency

 

There is a difference between dependency and co-dependency:

 

1. Dependency

Definition: When someone is dependent on something.

It is therefore a maladaptive pattern of substance use with some of the following characteristics:

• Tolerance (can handle more and more of the substance)
• Withdrawal (tremors, thirst, redness etc if use of the substance is ceased)
• Larger amounts is used than intended
• There have been efforts to cut down or to stop the use
• More time is needed to find or use it or to recover from the effects of the substance
• Partake less in important activities
• Use despite problems caused or exacerbated by substance

 

2. Co-Dependency

Definition: When someone is dependent on someone.  (When someone’s behaviour affects you so much, that you change your behaviour to see if somehow it will change their behaviour.)  The characteristics of dependency is also applicable here.  Think for example of the battered wife of an alcoholic: She can handle more and more of his behavior, has tried to leave, misses him too much when she does, does not have any hobbies anymore, stay despite the risk to her physical health, etc.

 

3. Roles being played in Co-dependant relationships

3.1       Helper / Saviour / Rescuer

Uses denial and takes too much responsibility for others.

Keeps the situation secret, acts as if it did not happen, lends money, works overtime, etc.

3.2       Persecutor / Attacker

Uses anger and is always on the offence.

Behaviour includes blaming, shouting, screaming, accusing, threatening, hitting, etc.

3.3       Victim / Sufferer

Uses depression and suffers either in silence or histrionically (everyone knows)

Example:    Drunk husband passes out in garden

Rescuer:    Wife puts him to bed

Persecutor: Wife verbally abuses him

Victim:      Wife phones the whole family or silently cries in the bathroom

But: Instead of changing his behaviour, it actually reinforces his behaviour because he now has all the more reason!

 

4. Co-Dependency in Relationships

 

Co-Dependency (and Dependency) starts because of rejection or perceived rejection before the age of 7.

 

Because of the pain of rejection, people tend to choose either isolation (if I am alone, no-one can hurt me like that again) or fusion / oneness (if I merge / fuse with someone it’s almost impossible to be rejected because I am a part of the other person).

 

In the isolation option, only “I” count.

With Fusion, only “We” count.

Both these options are unbalanced and destructive.

 

Possible Relations (All destructive):

There is an interplay between the need for closeness and the need for space, leading to feelings of smothering or longing.

 

1. One seeks closeness, the other seeks distance.

2. One seeks closeness and the other seeks distance but eventually the fuse. This doesn’t last long because the one that needed closeness, now feels smothered and wants distance.  Reject before being rejected!

3. Both long for closeness and get it. They both feel smothered and distance themselves. This can become a never ending cycle.

4. Constant bickering. This keeps distance but is also a connection of sorts.  They are angry at each other but still communicating in some way

5. A linking object (child, work, alcohol, money) connects the two but at the same time keeps them apart.

 

5. What is really needed?

 

Instead of fusion there needs to be good communication.

Instead of isolation, there needs to be individuation or self actualisation for both parties

Thus not isolation

And not fusion

But rather

Each must become the best “I” that he or she can be and communicate the process constantly with each other so as not to leave the other behind.

The stronger the links, the stronger the chain.

Everyone needs to act independently – do the appropriate thing despite the other’s behaviour. Therefore, detach from their manipulative actions.  Remember that a balance is needed between protection and development.  For example: The more you over-protect or under-protect the child, the less healthy development will occur.

Ek Vermoed my Geliefde Kom Uit ‘n Huis van Verslawing. Wat mag my Vermoedens Bevestig, Hoe Reageer ek Daarop en Wat Sou Heelword vir Hom of Haar Behels?

Daar is ‘n klompie gedragstekens wat dikwels, maar nie altyd nie, aanduidend kan wees van iemand wat in bogenoemde omstandighede grootgeword het:

• Hulle sukkel om pret te hê;
• Hulle soek konstant goedkeuring en bly lojaal selfs ten spyte van bewyse dat daardie mense dit nie verdien nie;
• Hulle is hiper-verantwoordelik of hiper-onverantwoordelik;
• Hulle raai wat normaal is en ervaar probleme in hegte verhoudings;
• Hulle sukkel om projekte te voltooi;
• Hulle jok selfs al sou dit net so maklik gewees het om die waarheid te praat;
• Hulle voel hulle is anders as ander;
• Hulle is impulsief en selfveroordeelend;
• Hulle oorreageer wanneer onbeheerbare dinge gebeur.

Vir jou is dit belangrik om te onthou dat hierdie gedrag in die kinderjare ontwikkel het om psigologies te oorleef.  Skei dus in jou gedagtes die persoon van die gedrag.  Moenie jou geliefde stormloop nie maar moet dit ook nie ignoreer nie.  Skep eerder ‘n veilige ruimte om te praat.  Dra die boodskap oor dat jy hom/haar graag in hul volheid sal wil leer ken en steeds onvoorwaardelik sal liefhê.  Maar dink tog eers mooi:  Die vrees is verwerping en indien jy teruggaan op jou woord, sal jy jou geliefde hertraumatiseer.  Wees dan ook ‘n voorbeeld van hoe om pret te hê, vir jouself te lag, vooruit te beplan, projekte te voltooi ens.  Gee ook aan jou geliefde eerlike – maar respekvol sensitiewe – terugvoer oor gedrag.

Die proses van heelword kan voorgestel word deur klein liggies wat aangeskakel word in ‘n donker kamer vol vrees.  Slegs as die liggie nie in sy/haar gesig ontplof nie, sal daar moed wees vir ‘n volgende skakelaar.  Uiteindelik kan jou geliefde begin om vanuit ‘n ander hoek na situasies te kyk en nuwe perspektief te kry.  Indien daar met ander oë gekyk kan word en al die liggies aan is, kan verligting ervaar word.  Heelword is dus nie om te vergeet nie maar om die insidente en die sin of lesse daarvan te onthou.  Dit deaktiveer die gevoel en sodoende kan jou geliefde die self laat uitleef, in beheer voel en ophou met voorgee.

I Suspect that my Loved One Originates from a Home of Addiction. What Could Confirm my Suspicions, How do I React and What Would Becoming Whole Entail for Him or Her?

There are a few behavioral signs which often, but not always, indicate that someone was raised in above-mentioned circumstances: They….

• Struggle to have fun;
• Seek constant approval and stay loyal in spite of proof that the other person is undeserving of the loyalty;
• Are hyper-responsible or hyper-irresponsible;
• Guess what is “normal” and experience problems in close relationships;
• Struggle to complete projects;
• Lie even when it would be just as easy to tell the truth;
• Feel different from others;
• Are impulsive and self-condemning;
• Overreact when uncontrollable things happen.

It is important for you to remember that this behaviour developed during their childhood to survive psychologically. Therefore separate the person from their behaviour in your thoughts. Don’t jump down on your loved one, but also don’t ignore it. Rather create a safe environment to talk. Convey the message that you would really like to get to know them completely and will still love them unconditionally. But think long and hard first: The fear is rejection and should you go back on your word, you will traumatize your loved one. Be an example on how to have fun, to laugh at yourself, to plan ahead, complete projects, etc. Also give your loved one honest – but respectfully sensitive – feedback about their behaviour.

The process of becoming whole can be suggested in the image of small lights being turned on in a dark room full of fear. Only if the light doesn’t explode in his/her face, will he/she have the courage to flick the following switch. Eventually your loved one will be able to see situations from another angle and will gain new perspective. Should they be able to see through new eyes and have all of the lights switched on, they will experience relief. Becoming whole therefore is not to forget, but to remember the incidents and sense of lessons in them. This deactivates the unwanted feeling and your loved one can then live themselves out, feel in control and stop being handicapped.

Hoe Word ek Heel Indien ek Grootgeword het by Ouer(s) wat Verslaafdes was?

Die grootste stap is om te erken dat my ouers se verslawing wel ‘n impak op my gehad het.  Kinders wat so opgegroei het, gebruik altyd ontkenning as verdedigingsmeganisme.  Dit is dikwels makliker om eers net te erken dat daar ‘n moontlikheid bestaan dat dit tans ‘n effek op jou kan hê.  Dan eers kan jy begin om sekere gedragspatrone te herken (soos genoem in ander artikels op hierdie webtuiste) asook die effek daarvan op die mense om jou.  Raak bewus van watter rol jy as kind gespeel het en steeds herhaaldelik in verhoudings uitspeel.

Oudste kinders is geneig om die hero te wees.  Prestasiegerigte, voorbeeldige, oorverantwoordelike klein grootmensies wat sukkel om pret te hê.  Jongstes is gewoonlik gelukbringers wat almal moet laat lag.  Hulle bly kind en sukkel om ernstig opgeneem te word.  Tweede kinders word dikwels swartskape en moet die hele gesin se probleme namens hulle dra deur te rebelleer en al die konflik weg van die gesin te trek.  Enigste kinders word weer die virtuoso en moet die ouers se totale ambisie najaag.  Dan is daar ook die verlore kinders (dikwels die derde kind) wat geneig is om emosioneel (en dikwels fisies) te verdwyn van die toneel as probleme ontstaan.

Vind meer uit oor verslawing en die effek daarvan op gesinslede.  Begin praat oor jou gevoelens en ervarings met persone wat jy kan vertrou soos familie, vriende, professionele persone en mense betrokke in 12-Stap programme.  Vind uit of daar ACOA (adult children of alcoholic families) of ander ondersteuningsgroepe is en woon dit by.  Geweldig baie inligting is op die internet beskikbaar.  Lees meer oor ko-afhanklikheid.  Gaan sien ‘n sielkundige – verkieslik een wat werk met verslawingsprobleme.

WAT KAN EK TE WAGTE WEES OP MY PAD VAN HEELWORD EN GENESING ?

Die deurwerk van die impak van jou ouers se gedrag tydens jou kinderjare (of tans) is ‘n rouproses, juis omdat dit jóú ook affekteer het.  Van ontkenning beweeg jy deur aggressie (teenoor hulle, jouself, God, ens.) onderhandeling en depressie (oor als wat in die proses verlore geraak het) tot by aanvaarding en vergifnis.  Moenie skrik of moed verloor wanneer jy op hierdie wipplank van emosies is nie.  Gevoelens wat kan wissel van die vreugde wanneer verhoudings vlot verloop tot die diepste seer wanneer terugvalle na ou gedrag voorkom.  Almal gaan hierdeur juis omdat dit normale reaksies vir ‘n abnormale situasie is.

How do I Become Whole if I was Brought Up With Addict Parent(s)?

The biggest step is to admit that my parent’s addiction actually had an impact on me. Children who were raised this way, always use denial as defense mechanism. It is often easier to initially acknowledge that there is a possibility that it currently could have an effect on you. Only then can you begin to recognize particular behaviour patterns (as mentioned in other articles on this web page) as well as the effect on those around you. Become aware of the role which you played as a child and still act out repeatedly in relationships.

Oldest children are prone to being the hero. Performance-based, exemplary, over-responsible small “adults” who struggle to have fun. Youngest children are usually charming and make everyone laugh. They remain children and struggle to be taken seriously.  Second children often become the black sheep and must carry the whole family’s problems through rebelling and to draw the conflict away from the family. Only children become prodigies and must pursue the parent’s total ambition. Then there are also lost children (often the third child) who tend to disappear emotionally (and often physically) during times of stress.

Find out more about addiction and the effect thereof on family members. Start talking about your feelings and experiences with people you can trust, such as family, friends, professionals and those involved in 12-step programs. Find out if there are ACOA (adult children of alcoholic families) or other support groups running in your area and attend them. There is a great deal of information available on the internet. Read about co-dependence.  Go and see a psychologist – preferably one who works with addiction problems.

WHAT CAN I EXPECT ON MY PATH TO BECOMING WHOLE?

Working through the impact of your parent’s behaviour during your childhood (or currently) is a raw process, particularly because it has also affected you! You move from denial through aggression (towards them, yourself, God, etc.); hopelessness and depression (about everything which was lost during the process); to acceptance and forgiveness. Don’t get frightened away or give up hope when you are on this emotional see-saw. Feelings which emerge vary between joy when relationships run smoothly to the deepest pain when setbacks to old behaviour occur. Everyone experiences this because it is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

Hoe Maak ek as Volwassene Indien my Ouers Tans aan Iets Verslaaf is?

As jy nie self hulp, kennis en ondersteuning ontvang nie, gaan jy net dieper wegsink in ‘n put van moedelose hulpeloosheid want al die pogings om te help het waarskynlik net die probleem vererger.  Eers wanneer jy jou eie gevoelens en motiewe verstaan kan jy begin om jou verslawing aan jou ouer te verminder.  Sodoende sal jy kan kies om anders te reageer in dieselfde probleemsituasies.

Begin deur soveel as moontlik uit te vind oor die substans, die misbruik daarvan asook die verslawing daaraan.  Sodoende kan jy die probleme rondom verslawing asook jou gevoelens daaroor beter hanteer.  Vervolgens kan jy met jou ouer begin gesels oor die veranderinge in gedrag as gevolg van die substansgebruik.  Alhoewel jy ferm moet wees is dit belangrik om respekvol te bly.  Jou ouer gaan die fokus skuif na redes vir die gedrag (daar’s altyd redes!).  Bly egter fokus op die probleemgedrag.  Wees spesifiek oor presies waar die gedrag met sy/haar lewe inmeng.  Gee ook hoop deur te noem dat verslawings behandelbaar is en bied ondersteuning aan.

As dit nie werk nie, kan ‘n professionele intervensie oorweeg word.  Vriende, familie, werkgewers ens. spreek saam ‘n professionele persoon en bespreek die probleem.  Die datum, tyd en gekontroleerde plek word vasgestel vir die intervensie.  Voor hierdie datum noem elkeen aan die persoon dat hulle ‘n professionele persoon spreek oor sy/haar probleem.  Die persoon weet dus dat die belangrikste mense in sy/haar lewe besorg is en die intervensie kom dan nie as ‘n groot skok nie.  Tydens die intervensie sê elkeen in sy eie woorde wat die effek van die die persoon se gedrag is.  Die funksie van die intervensie is slegs om die persoon sover te kry om vir ‘n behandelingsprogram te gaan.  Daar is egter ‘n paar vereistes waaraan sulke intervensies moet voldoen en dit dra ook risiko’s.  Daardie besonderhede kan vooraf met die professionele persoon bespreek word.

WAT KAN EK TE WAGTE WEES OP MY PAD VAN HEELWORD EN GENESING ?

Die deurwerk van die impak van jou ouers se gedrag tydens jou kinderjare (of tans) is ‘n rouproses, juis omdat dit jóú ook affekteer het.  Van ontkenning beweeg jy deur aggressie (teenoor hulle, jouself, God, ens.) onderhandeling en depressie (oor als wat in die proses verlore geraak het) tot by aanvaarding en vergifnis.  Moenie skrik of moed verloor wanneer jy op hierdie wipplank van emosies is nie.  Gevoelens wat kan wissel van die vreugde wanneer verhoudings vlot verloop tot die diepste seer wanneer terugvalle na ou gedrag voorkom.  Almal gaan hierdeur juis omdat dit normale reaksies vir ‘n abnormale situasie is.

What do I do as an Adult if my Parents are Currently Addicted?

If you aren’t personally receiving help, knowledge and support you will only sink deeper into a pit of hopeless helplessness, for all the efforts to help probably only make the problem worse. Only once you understand your own feelings and motivations can you start to reduce your addiction to your parent. This way, you can choose to react differently in the same problem scenarios.

Start by finding out as much as possible about the substance, the misuse thereof as well as the addiction thereof. This way you will be able to better manage the problems surrounding addiction as well as your feelings thereof. You can subsequently start to speak to your parent about the changes in behaviour as a result of substance use. Although you need to be firm, it is important to remain respectful.  Your parent will shift the focus to the reasons for the behaviour (there are always reasons!). Rather focus on the problem behaviour. Be specific about precisely which behaviour is interfering in his/her life. Also give hope through mentioning that addiction is manageable and provide support.

If this does not work, a professional intervention may be considered. Friends, families, employers, etc. jointly discuss the problem with a professional person. The date, time and a controlled venue are set for the intervention. Before this date, each person should mention to the substance user/addict that they are speaking to a professional about his/her problem. The person thus knows that the most important people in his/her life are concerned and the intervention does not come as a great shock. During the intervention, each individual talks about the effect of the person’s behaviour in their own words. The function of the intervention is merely to get the person to attend a management program. There are however a few requirements which such interventions must meet and it also carries risk.  These can be discussed with the professional beforehand.

WHAT CAN I EXPECT ON MY PATH TO BECOMING WHOLE?

Working through the impact of your parent’s behaviour during your childhood (or currently) is a raw process, particularly because it has also affected you! You move from denial through aggression (towards them, yourself, God, etc.); hopelessness and depression (about everything which was lost during the process); to acceptance and forgiveness. Don’t get frightened away or give up hope when you are on this emotional see-saw. Feelings which emerge vary between joy when relationships run smoothly to the deepest pain when setbacks to old behaviour occur. Everyone experiences this because it is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

‘n Vriend Vertel my van die Stryd met ‘n Verslaafde Familielid. Hoe Reageer ek?

Dit kos dikwels baie moed om te praat oor ‘n stryd met ‘n verslaafde.  Indien hierdie gesprek negatief ervaar word, kan dit die hantering van so ‘n stryd kniehalter.  Die vriend voel dikwels skuldig oor die ‘uitpraat’, verantwoordelik vir die verslaafde se gedrag, skaam om te erken dat sulke probleme bestaan en bang om verwerp te word.

Moet dus nie die vertrouenssituasie verbreek nie.  Moenie te nuuskierig wees of ‘n ‘ag shame siestog’ houding inneem nie.  Moenie in kompetisie gaan oor wie se situasie die ergste is nie.  Moenie blameer of op die persoon neerkyk nie.  Moenie te geskok lyk nie en moenie te vinnig wil raad uitdeel nie.

Daar is ‘n paar dinge wat jy kán doen en sê wat konstruktief is:

• Probeer aktief luister deur die gevoel agter die persoon se woorde te reflekteer.  Byvoorbeeld, wanneer die persoon sê dat jy die eerste persoon is wat weet, sou jy kon noem dat dit vir jou klink of hy/sy bang is oor wat sal gebeur as ander mense weet.  Of selfs dat dit klink of dit baie moed gekos het om te praat.
• Dit is goed om die boodskap oor te dra dat jy nooit presies sal kan weet hoe dit by die huis is en hoe die persoon voel nie.
• Bevestig of die gesprek vertroulik is en respekteer die persoon se wens.
• Noem dat jy beskikbaar is indien die persoon weer wil gesels.
• Jy mag van jou eie ervaring deel indien dit relevant is, veral as dit kan aansluit by hoe die persoon voel.
• Sê dat niemand verantwoordelikheid kan vat vir ‘n gesinslid se verslawing nie en dat niemand dit kan veroorsaak, beheer of oplos nie.
• Noem dat dit goed en aanvaarbaar is om vir die persoon self lief te wees maar dat dit net so goed en aanvaarbaar is om die persoon se gedrag te haat.
• In gevalle waar die verslawing steeds voortduur, is dit belangrik om vir die persoon hoop te gee deur daarop te wys dat verslawing ‘n behandelbare toestand is.  Maan hom/haar egter om geduldig te wees.
• Laat die suggestie dat die persoon miskien professionele hulp kan inwin (soos ‘n sielkundige) om die effek van die verslaafde se gedrag te hanteer.
• Vind uit by die AA (Alkoholiste Anoniem) watter boeke relevant kan wees en gee een aan jou vriend om te lees.

A Friend Tells me about the Struggle of Having an Addicted Family Member. How do I React?

It often requires great strength to speak out about one’s struggles with an addict. Should this conversation be experienced as negative, it could handicap the management of such a struggle. The friend often feels guilty about “speaking out”, responsible for the addict’s behaviour, ashamed to admit these problems exist and scared of being rejected.

Therefore don’t break the trust-situation. Don’t be too nosy or adopt a “shame poor thing” attitude. Don’t compete over who’s situation is worse. Don’t blame or look down on the person. Don’t look too shocked and don’t dish out advice too quickly.

There are a few things that you can do and say which are constructive:

• Try to listen actively by reflecting the emotion behind the person’s words. For example when the person says that you are the first person they have told, you could mention that it sounds as if they are scared of what might happen if other people know. Or even that it sounds like it took great courage or effort to speak out.
• It is good to convey the message that you will never know precisely how things are at home or how the person feels.
• Confirm whether the conversation is confidential and respect their wish.
• Mention that you are available should the person want to speak again.
• You may share from personal experience if it is relevant, especially if it can be linked to how the person is feeling.
• Say that no one can take responsibility for a family member’s addiction and that no one can cause, control or cure it.
• Mention that it is acceptable and a good thing to love the person, but that it is just as acceptable and good to hate their behaviour.
• In situations where the addiction continues, it is important to provide hope through showing that addiction is a manageable condition. Rather encourage him/her to be patient.
• Leave the suggestion that the person could look into professional help (such as a psychologist) to cope with the effects of the addict’s behaviour.
• Give a relevant book to your friend to read (the AA might be able to suggest good titles).

Wat Kan die Sielkundige vir my Beteken Noudat ek Uit die Greep van Verslawing Breek?

Baie middelafhanklike persone het ‘n dubbeldiagnose.  Onderliggend aan die middelafhanklikheid lê probleme soos sosiale fobie, depressie, post-traumatiese stresversteuring ens.  Dit maak nie saak wat eerste was nie, beide behoort aandag te geniet.  Die korrekte prosedure sou wees om eers van die middel/dwelm onttrek te word om ‘n skoon beeld van die moontlike onderliggende psigiatriese probleem te kry.  Indien teenwoordig, kan die probleem korrek behandel word.

Een manier sou wees om in ‘n fasiliteit spesifiek ingerig vir substansonttrekking, opgeneem te word.  Die psigiater bestuur die onttrekkingsproses en die sielkundige begin met psigoterapie, gesinsintervensies, voorligting, psigo-opvoeding ens.  (Dikwels word ‘n maatskaplike werker en arbeidsterapeut ook betrek.)  Dit is belangrik dat bloot net ‘n substitusie van substanse nie plaasvind nie (bv verslaaf raak aan sterk verdowingsmiddels) en dat gepoog word om net die nodigste medikasie te verskaf.  Opnames kan wissel van ‘n paar dae tot 9 maande, afhangend van die substans.

Die onttrekking van die substans (en die gebruik van medikasie indien nodig) is net die begin van die proses, omdat die persoon nog dieselfde mens is en omdat sy/haar omstandighede nog nie verander het nie.  Dit is waar die sielkundige se terapie van onskatbare waarde is, asook die inskakeling by ondersteuningsgroepe.  Terapie duur tot lank na ontslag en kan insluit die reflektering van gevoelens, integrasie van innerlike dele, kognitiewe terapie gerig op beheer van denke, gedragsterapie om nuwe vaardighede in te oefen en fokustegnieke.  Verskeie ander terapeutiese intervensies wat nie hier bespreek kan word nie, sou nog hierby gevoeg kon word, byvoorbeeld kliniese hipnoterapie.

WAT KAN EK VERWAG OP MY HELINGSPAD?

Dit is ‘n komplekse proses wat baie oefening en ondersteuning vra.  Sommiges probeer jou rehabilitasie saboteer en sulke ‘vriende’ word agtergelaat, soms is daar terugslae maar elke keer probeer jy weer.  Jy word gemotiveer deur elke dag wat jy skoon/droog bly al word die lus by tye bykans onuithoudbaar.  Emosies soos woede, depressie en angs word ervaar want rehabilitasie impliseer verliese.  Totdat jou nuwe lewensuitkyk en lewenspatroon (jou wins) uiteindelik outomaties en sonder inspanning verloop.